Scared

I will admit that walking into school Monday was scary. I was the old man from "Facing the Giants" at that point. I walked, fingertips touching the walls, down the halls taking my girls to class. And I prayed. Boy did I pray! Silently, so not to scare Addyson, but I prayed for God to just fill this school up with his presence and protect us. I prayed all the way back as well. It seemed like it was all I could do. Monday was hard. I could not wait until Monday was over and my girls were back with me. I know that in reality they are not safer because they are with me.

I know that anything can happen. I also know that God knows the measure of our days and that he is in control of it. But when I had to walk away from my girls Monday morning, I was scared. Because those precious children who walked away from their mommies and daddies last Friday did so for the last time. And what happened that day was incomprehnsible. But now its not. Now it is a reality that could happen anywhere, to anyone, at anytime.

I count the days until Christmas break, but the countdown has a different tone this year. I don't count down because I look forward to the break from work and celebrating Christmas (although I do feel those things.) I count down because I am scared each moment that I am here and that my girls are seperated from me and I can not wait to be home and away from here to let the pain and shock and newness of this revelation sink in. My world changed Friday. Not in any way like the people of Newtown and the people in Sandy Hook. But as an educator, I see things differently. Evil can happen anywhere. To anyone. I think most teachers had some level of awareness as they went back to school Monday. As a former elementary teacher, I can imagine what they saw. 20 kids with their whole lives ahead of them. Children they feel bound to protect. I can imagine that they looked at ways to hide and escape if the unthinkable ever happened. Those who are believers, I bet they prayed. I can picture many many teachers kneeling down and squeezing the heck out of their sweet students, silently telling them how much they love them. I would have.

We have not turned the news on a single time since Friday. We do not want the images or the harsh reports filling our home. Our oldest is aware of what happened. But not many details. Our 4 year old is not. I can not WILL NOT expose her innocent light to the darkness in this world. No, the news has not been on. But they have played live nativity several times. Just this morning when I went in the room to pick out clothes for my younger girls, I saw Taylor's bible open to Luke and the story of Jesus. They had been reading it and acting it out. Last night when I read Addy her story she picked "The Best Christmas Present." She told me before I started, "I know the best present. It's God!" And I had to just stop and squeeze and kiss on her.

She's right. We have a Light in this dark and fallen world. So I remind myself that even though I am scared and confused, God is still there and still all-powerful and all-knowing and the best and only thing I can do is place my faith in Him.

He is enough.