Scared

I will admit that walking into school Monday was scary. I was the old man from "Facing the Giants" at that point. I walked, fingertips touching the walls, down the halls taking my girls to class. And I prayed. Boy did I pray! Silently, so not to scare Addyson, but I prayed for God to just fill this school up with his presence and protect us. I prayed all the way back as well. It seemed like it was all I could do. Monday was hard. I could not wait until Monday was over and my girls were back with me. I know that in reality they are not safer because they are with me.

I know that anything can happen. I also know that God knows the measure of our days and that he is in control of it. But when I had to walk away from my girls Monday morning, I was scared. Because those precious children who walked away from their mommies and daddies last Friday did so for the last time. And what happened that day was incomprehnsible. But now its not. Now it is a reality that could happen anywhere, to anyone, at anytime.

I count the days until Christmas break, but the countdown has a different tone this year. I don't count down because I look forward to the break from work and celebrating Christmas (although I do feel those things.) I count down because I am scared each moment that I am here and that my girls are seperated from me and I can not wait to be home and away from here to let the pain and shock and newness of this revelation sink in. My world changed Friday. Not in any way like the people of Newtown and the people in Sandy Hook. But as an educator, I see things differently. Evil can happen anywhere. To anyone. I think most teachers had some level of awareness as they went back to school Monday. As a former elementary teacher, I can imagine what they saw. 20 kids with their whole lives ahead of them. Children they feel bound to protect. I can imagine that they looked at ways to hide and escape if the unthinkable ever happened. Those who are believers, I bet they prayed. I can picture many many teachers kneeling down and squeezing the heck out of their sweet students, silently telling them how much they love them. I would have.

We have not turned the news on a single time since Friday. We do not want the images or the harsh reports filling our home. Our oldest is aware of what happened. But not many details. Our 4 year old is not. I can not WILL NOT expose her innocent light to the darkness in this world. No, the news has not been on. But they have played live nativity several times. Just this morning when I went in the room to pick out clothes for my younger girls, I saw Taylor's bible open to Luke and the story of Jesus. They had been reading it and acting it out. Last night when I read Addy her story she picked "The Best Christmas Present." She told me before I started, "I know the best present. It's God!" And I had to just stop and squeeze and kiss on her.

She's right. We have a Light in this dark and fallen world. So I remind myself that even though I am scared and confused, God is still there and still all-powerful and all-knowing and the best and only thing I can do is place my faith in Him.

He is enough.

A girl mom

I read a post today about being a boy mom. The woman lamented the fact that she has two boys and may not ever have the opportunity to be a mom to a daughter or have those mother daughter opportunities that she had and still has. Prom, weddings, grandkids.... she will view those as a mother-in-law. It really got me thinking.

I am a girl mom. I will hopefully get to watch three beautiful girls walk down the aisle to a man that only God could have chosen.

I am a girl mom. I will hopefully have the first hand info on their pregnancies and be the one they turn to most for advice as they too become mothers.

I am a girl mom. I get to relive my childhood in these darling little girls and look forward to that wonderful time where they are not just my daughters but my best friends.

But I am not a boy mom.

And when I say that I am not a boy mom it causes a funny little flip flop in my chest. The kind that reminds me that a whole different world is out there that I don't get to experience.

I am not a boy mom. The noise and the wild and the rough and tumble are not part of my world.

I am not a boy mom. That little guy who loves his Momma best is not something I will be able to know.

I am not a boy mom. I will not get to see my son and watch him grow into the kind of wonderful man his father is.

Having only one gender of child puts you into a different situation. I mourn the fact that I don't have a son while at the exact same time thank my GOD for giving me three healthy, beautiful, smart, funny little girls. I am filled with JOY at being their Momma, but at the same time I have a sense of loss. I think its something that many moms that are either "girl moms" or "boy moms" will face.

                                                     I am a girl mom...... and I am blessed.

Avery's first days in the hospital

Avery was born Tuesday morning. With my older daughters after I saw them a little the nursery wisked them away to get them cleaned up! At Good Shepherd they leave the baby with the Mom for 6 hours! It was so amazing to keep her and bond with her for that length of time. When they finally did come take her it was only for about 30 minutes for a bath! I was so impressed! After we had her, Tyler's parents came to see her as well as my mom with Taylor and Addyson. The girls were excited to see their new little sister. Addyson wanted no part of me though. I think it made her nervous to see me in the hospital bed and with the IV. She got really upset when it was time to leave because she wanted to stay with her Daddy. They spent the night we went into the hospital with my mom and the next night with Tyler's mom. Wednesday we had hoped to come home but Avery's bili count was higher than the pedi wanted so we made the decision to stay an extra night. That night my mom got the girls from school and brought them to visit for a little while then she took Taylor to basketball practice and Tyler took Addyson home and kept them at the house. They both needed some normal. I was so nervous staying at the hospital by myself but we actually had an amazing night. Thursday morning our wonderful nurse, Winona, worked some magic and helped us get out even though Avery's number had gone up just a little. We had to take her in Friday to the lactation specialist and then Monday to her pediatrician to get checked out. We were so glad to get home and so thankful to start our lives as a family of 5!

First Post-- Avery's Birth Story

So I decided to start a new blog for myself. I did this to get it away from the old blog with all the tough memories of our time trying to get pregnant and just to celebrate the time of having three precious daughters to love.

Our little miracle, Avery Jordyn Turrentine, was born on February 7th, 2012 at 7:54 AM. The day before, a Monday, I had been feeling some pressure filled contractions. They were very different from what I had been feeling so I finally called the dr and they said we should go in and just get checked out. At that point, I was already at a 4 so they didn't want me to get too far. We got to the hospital around 6 Monday evening and they started monitoring me. I was still at a four but having some contractions so they told us to go walk the hospital for an hour. We joked that we knew every public inch of Good Shepherd. It was a full moon that night as well.. isn't that a good time to have a baby? After walking I was still at a 4ish so they said to wait for my dr and see what he wanted to do. Unfortunately, the dr got called on two emergancy c-sections so by the time he got to us it was 2:30 AM!! Luckily though I had progressed to a 5 which meant they were not going to send me home! Around 3 AM I got over to labor and delivery. They broke my water and started the pitocin but I still wasn't having super strong contractions. Around 4 I got an epidural. I have NEVER had one work like this. With both girls I still felt lots of pain and discomfort. Within 15 minutes after getting the epidural I didn't even realize I had a lower half! They tilted me to my right for awhile to help it move to that side. During that time Avery's heartrate dropped a little during contractions so they put me on oxygen. I couldn't really feel my contractions so I was able to get a little sleep during that time. Around 7 AM they moved me to my left side to help move me along. I was only at a 7 at that time. Within 30 minutes I began to feel some pressure so I had the nurse check and sure enough I was at a 10 and ready to have a baby. My midwife that I had seen all through my pregnancy was just getting ready to come say hi so she zipped in and got ready to deliver Avery! They got me ready to push and told me to hold my legs. I joked that I didn't know where they were they were so numb. Pushing was a little harder since I could not tell how hard I was pushing. However, with about 4 pushes little miss Avery arrived into the world. She was 6 lbs 4 oz and 18 inches long. I had hoped through my whole pregnancy for a 6 lb baby so I was thrilled!

My next blog will have to be about her first days in the hospital!